Leave It All Behind
by BabyJane14
Summary: She'd lost it all due to one stupid decison. Something is holding her back from remembering who she was before the nightmare began.
1. I'm sorry for goodbye

**Manda's Note**: Alright my loves, so those reading this and thinking it sounds like something you've already read, it very well could be. This is a repost of a story that I can't for the life of me remember the name of. Thanks to a special request and hours of tossing around papers and jump drives in my room I finally found most of the story. So as I post this along the way I will be changing things. Making it more pleasing to me once again. Anyways I'm going to shut up and post it already. Thanks **Erica**, without you asking for it, I never would have posted it or looked for it again.

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She could still hear the sound of the skidding tires, glass breaking, and feel the impact of his body diving cross hers to avoid any further damage. She could still feel his body thrown on top of hers if she closed her eyes. The sound of his voice's screams in alarm, dread, and terror when the blaring lights blinded them both and froze them in shock. They were burned into her memory like the cigarette burns on the rug.

The fact that he hadn't driven all that much previous to their endeavor hadn't even occurred to her when she got into the car with him. The only thing that she had gathered upon was that he wasn't happy and he wasn't going to let her go very easy. Things had been rough, fighting and arguing, then making out and sexing ever since the breakup at her mother's wedding, but, with all of their yelling and arguing she could see him losing it more and more. There wasn't ever a question in did she love him or did he love her, it was more of could they handle all of what they'd been handed at the age of seventeen. The events that followed their beach rendezvous she wasn't sure if they'd ever be back to the level they'd once been at.

Only thing now that she could remember really well was the sound of the tires going off of their perfect track on the high way, and the exact spot that his hand landed it's self was the one thing that Serena had been trying to get away from. The real reason she'd run to New Port, to get rid of it before he knew anything of it. Somehow it'd all blown up in her face, someone had ratted her out to him.

Now, rather thing things being easy, and maybe somewhat normal it'd fallen into complete and total hell. As she stood at the window looking out at the cabs on the street she heard the footsteps of the reminder that at low selfish points in her life she wished that they weren't around.

"Mommy? Are you better now?"

His dark hair and dark eyes were the perfect contrast to his fair skin and innocent smile. There were moments in the day that Serena had to admit she despised looking at him. It wasn't because she didn't love him, because if there was anything that Serena did it was love her son more than her own life, he just brought back so many memories at just a glance.

"Come here baby."

The nearly twenty-two year old blonde said in a shaky voice as she still didn't quite trust herself just yet. Not after how she'd broken down earlier and smashed the music box in her room. The anniversary of what happened never got easer.

"Jamie, I'm sorry for scaring you."

She said pulling the little child onto her lap, smoothing his short hair back and kissing his forehead. He was every bit of his father and it killed her more then she chose to admit. The sight of her own child made her clench her jaw and wish things were different.

"It's ok momma, Cedric and I was talken and Cedric decided that me and him need to go see daddy. Because Daddy needs to wake up so you can get un broken mommy. Aunt B told Uncle Nate said that Daddy broke you and Uncle C said that daddy was an asshole."

The young child said as he pronounced every letter of the word carefully and correctly. That was when Serena knew that she needed to stop letting the troublesome trio watch the little boy. He always seemed to come home with a new word to add to his vocabulary.

"I told Uncle C that he inarticulate and unintelligent."

Serena looked away from her son and shook her head. There were just some moments when she could hear and see the little Dan that Rufus had told her so many stories about. She could hear Dan in her head, proud of her son for standing up and voicing back. He was such a mini Dan. Then her eyes fell upon the item in the young boy's hand, the doll made her insides feel as though they were going to lock up and explode. Normally Jamie knew better then to have the doll anywhere near his mother but today was different.

* * *

_She sat in the soft chair, her knees pulled to her chest, her head resting comfortably on top of them. What was she thinking? What was she doing? How could she do this, yet how could she not? They weren't ready for this. Their forever was too juvenile and not ready to be forever just yet. All of this had stemmed from Serena once again guarding her heart after their midnight throws on the beach. The pulled back, high defense, non trusting Serena had had enough time to take over the new one. She loved him she really honesty did, but, after he left her at the wedding she was in a way, scared of him. He had her so wrapped around his finger and her heart in his pocket so able to crush her at the drop of an instant. The last thing she needed was to add another item to the table that he could crush with a whisper of the voice. _

_Serena hated every second of her surroundings, the quiet, beeping noises, the perfect hospitality, the overly clean smell. Everyone there seemed to be overly comforting, she figured as they should have been with the money they got everyday. Cedar house was the rich's best kept secret, it housed anyone who had money and shady things in their past's secrets. Blair had done time for her bulimia here, Georgina for her drugs, Lohan for her drinking woes, Richie for her anorexia, Chuck even, for consoling on his out of hand behaviors. Serena never thought she'd be sitting in the waiting room for herself, much less for the reason she was there for. _

_"Miss Van der Woodsen? Your mother is calling again."_

_The nurse with the warm green eyes and wild red hair placed her hand gently on the blonde's shoulder in a comforting manner, as though Serena were only there for a check up and not going to do what she was really there for. _

_"Thank you"_

_Serena nodded her head with her voice coming out not one bit hiding the pain, agony, and terror that was coursing through her vein, it wasn't a questing whether Serena hated every second of what she was doing or not. It was plainly evident on her face. _

_"Mom?"_

_She'd shaken with every step she'd taken to the front desk, picking up the phone hadn't even have been easy. Then the fact that hearing Lily's voice soothed her actually scared her a little bit. _

_"I'm glad I caught you, Serena why don't you just come home. Don't do this, it's not what you want. Serena everything will be ok, just come home before you make a mistake that you can't do over."_

_Lily was making Serena feel even more guilty then she had when she'd gotten on the train. She couldn't care, she couldn't let anything get to her. This was something that she needed to do without thinking about it. Serena couldn't handle it, she couldn't be in the predicament that she was in any longer. _

_"No mom, it won't be ok if I don't do \this. This was the biggest mistake that could have happened and I need to fix it before it gets any worse then it is."_

_She replied stubbornly as she curled her hand into a fist and dug her nails into her palm. She wanted so badly to soften, to give in, go home, and confess what almost, maybe, might have happened. _

_"Damn it Serena, this is not the same as your father. Dan loves you, stop being so blind and open your eyes. Don't make mistakes Rufus and I made, let him love you Serena. Don't push him away. It's not worth losing him over."_

_The words coming out of Lily's mouth made Serena cringe even more as her hand slipped self consciously to her stomach before she realized it and quickly removed it. She placed her hand on the counter and tapped her fingers._

_"No mom, he doesn't, we were an accident. Two wild teenagers that don't know how to keep their hands to themselves. That's all it is. This shouldn't have happened and I… I don't want this."_

_She lied, every word was a lie. All being a parent was to her was fucking up and destroying a child's life. She and Dan weren't even in a full relationship anymore. They'd made love on the beach in the Hampton, they madeout in the back of a bus, they had angry hate sex in random spots around town. She should have known better then to listen to him when he said 'screw the condom, I need you Serena. I love you and I'm tired of us not being together.' In broken Serena's head it was all a ploy to sleep with her. She needed to believe that it was all just a game so she didn't cave in._

_"I gotta go mom, I'll call you when it… I'll call when it's done."_

_Without hearing her mother say goodbye Serena hung up the phone and rolled her eyes trying not to let her feelings get to her. That was when the door to the clinic opened and security came through holding each one of his arms as he mouthed off. _

* * *

Jamie's hands on the sides of her face forced her to come out of her captivated quiet state she looked at the worry in his eyes. It was something that never seemed to go away with him, like Jamie was endlessly worried that she too was going to disappear on him just like his father had. All he knew of the guy that he referred to as daddy was that he'd been asleep for a very long time. A short visit to the hospital once a day was never enough for Jamie, but it was enough to put Serena in complete tears, she'd felt like it was her fault from the day and she doubted that would ever change.

The fact that she loved Dan was quite simple and complicated all at once.


	2. Early Morning Memory

_Manda's Note: Wow. you guys are pretty damn persistant when it comes to DS, well will you all please keep that up so that they have no choice in the matter to make them endgame? You'll restore my hope (not that it's remotly faded) for my own favorite couple. As for writing more DS, hmm perhaps I do see that coming in the near future. my rewatching the seasons and pretending that 3 doesn't exists helps also. I'll see what I can get you all. For now, here is chapter 2, will additions to the original. Keep up the encuraging reviews, they get the chapters out ;) _

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"Baby, you gotta wake up. Serena come on, your gonna make us all late."

_Dan whispered in her ear as he ran his hands along her sides trying to coax her from her deep sleep. Serena didn't want to hear it as she rolled over on her stomach and pull the blanket up over her head hiding underneath it. Like a child herself, Dan wouldn't have been able to say that he was surprised. _

_"Serena I can hear his footsteps, he's gonna be here to wake you up if you don't get up on your own."_

_Serena shifted again pulling the blanket off of her head and snuggling closer to her boyfriend still refusing to open her perfect blue-green eyes. She wasn't a morning person, she'd always done nights far better then she'd ever done mornings. _

_"You boys always ruining my sleep"_

_She mumbled into his shoulder as he wrapped his arms around her torso and gently squeezed her. He'd been the morning person, it just so happened that the little boy in the house took right after the both of them, up early, bed late, the energizer bunny only needed few hours of sleep. He'd always been that way, Serena hoped for his sake, and possibly her own, he learned how to sleep more. _

_"I love you."_

_He smiled and kissed the tip of her nose making her smile and finally opened up her eyes to look at his face. _

_"I love you too Dan."_

_With their exchange of words the door of their bedroom suddenly banged open and in ran a very non hesitant little boy who was fully dressed to the best of his abilities, his jeans were on and unbuttoned and un zipped, his little Yankees jersey was completely unbuttoned and the shirt underneath it didn't even close to match. It would have been one of the many moments Blair would have shaken her head at her nephew and said he only belonged to Dan rather then Serena. _

_"And you love me!"_

_The four and a half year old insisted as he bounced up and down on his parents' bed like he's been up for hours. Dan reached out a hand straightening the sideways cap as Jamie crashed down right on top of the both of them._

_"I don't know about that Jamie. That's not so true"_

_Serena shook her head playfully as she moved out of the way so that Jamie was lying on his back in the middle of the two of the, Dan and Serena now both on their sides. Watching the little boy as he poked both of their noses and smiled his sweet little smile regardless of what his mother had just said. Jamie knew better than most children that his parents loved him. They'd reminded him they did every chance they got, to the four and a half year old, it was smothering really. _

_"That's because you love me to the moon"_

_Jamie smiled as he copied something his mother always told him and pointed up to the sky as Dan laughed and pulled their son closer to him kissing his head. It was mornings like this that reminded both Serena and Dan that though things had turned out a little backwards they were just plain perfect. _

* * *

Serena rolled over in her bed to put her head on yet another empty pillow, if she could have stayed asleep for hours more she would have. Because in her dreams Dan was always there, he was there to hold and kiss both her and Jamie. Jamie had the family he deserved. Serena just wished that when she opened her eyes it was all still there. She hated the idea that Dan was laying in a hospital bed across the city and he had been since the night of the accident. She hated that he didn't even know his own son, seen all of the things Serena had partly walked away from.

"Mommy?"

The bedroom door creaked open and Jamie peaked his head in rubbing his sleepy eyes, messy brown hair sticking up every which way. Everything about the little boy made her smile and cry at the same time. She wanted Dan to be there to share all of Jamie's moments with her. She hadn't wanted to do it alone, she wanted him to be there. There was already so much regarding their son that he'd missed.

"Come here baby"

Serena called over to him as she opened up the covers for him to climb in next to her. It was their morning ritual, Jamie would get out of bed and accompany Serena, brushing the sleep deprived tears from his mother's face and whispering, 'it's otay mommy, Daddy's gonna wake up soon', when Serena really thought about it it'd been a year or so since he'd whispered that to her. She was beginning to do better, she was going on with her life, something she'd never thought she'd be able to do.

Jamie crawled into the bed and snuggled up close next to her wrapping his little arms around her neck as he closed his eyes and held onto her. Holding him always made her remember what it'd been like in the beginning. Just how much she been ready the first time she laid eyes on him, just how much in the beginning she hadn't wanted a moment of any of it. it made her hold onto Jamie tighter, squeeze him and remember that she was lucky that she even had him. So many things had been touch and go in the beginning of it all. There'd been a time where he almost didn't exist. A time when she hadn't wanted him to exist.

* * *

_"What are you thinking Serena?"_

_Dan's hand grabbed a hold of Serena's wrist the second they were alone in the nearly empty parking lot. Part of Serena wanted to grab a hold of him and cling for the rest of her life and the other part of him wanted to slap him hard right across the face. He was the reason she felt the way she did. He was the reason they were their together in the first place. If he'd just been a few moments later it would have been too late to go back on everything. _

_"How could you, How could you not even tell me?"_

_He let go of her wrist as they stood in the drizzle outside of the door of the clinic. He was so frustrated, angry, and hurt that she was just going to pretend like nothing had even happened. Dan walked away from her his hands over his ears as he walked into the falling sprinkles letting them try and mask his own salty tears making track marks down his face. He couldn't even look at her, he knew that if he did he'd never be able to keep his composure without pulling her tightly to his chest and whispering how much he loved her into her ear. That or shaking her senseless till she saw the mistakes she'd almost made. _

_"Why does it matter any to you."_

_She shot out and it was the first time he'd ever heard her sound like she meant something so harsh. Dan hung his head looking down at the dark side walk trying to keep himself from falling. How could she even say that he didn't care, that it didn't matter to him that she was pregnant with his child. He loved her, more than he was sure most people knew what the true definition of love was. _

_"What are you talking about Serena?"_

_Dan's voice was shakier then he would have liked it to have been as he ran a wet hand over his eyes to clear his face. He wasn't sure how long he'd be able to handle not raising his voice and telling her she was crazy. _

_She watched his every move; she'd been making the wrong decision since she'd walked through the door. She knew that. As Serena stood under the ledge of the building where he'd let go of her wrist she watched him in the rain. She could see his hand movements and she could tell how upset he was. But she wasn't going to let it go that easy. The last thing Serena wanted was to be all alone explaining to a child why 'daddy' wasn't around. She'd felt what it was like every time her mother had done it to her and Eric and she didn't want to turn into just another statistic._

_Her arms were so tightly wrapped around her middle she hadn't even noticed it, how her hand rested so delicately atop. She didn't want to be at this place but she also didn't want to trust him, she was to afraid to put her heart and someone else's heart on the line if they were both doomed to just be smashed to pieces. _

_"Can you just get in the car Serena, I don't want to talk about this here."_

_Dan said as he walked to the first car in the parking lot, that's when it hit Serena exactly who had told him. The one who had been trying to stop her from making her mistake, and for that she was very mad at her mother, Lilly had no right to interfere. She was supposed to be doing this for her, what she was doing what for the good of the situation. The situation was nothing but a mistake and an accident that shouldn't have been in the first place._

* * *

"Mommy you's was doing it again"

Serena heard Jamie say as she once again pulled herself out of the haziness of sleep. Her eyes focused on his face and she could see the worry in Jamie's eyes. That was when she knew if she touched her own face she'd feel the tears dripping there. She'd been crying in her sleep again, she'd must of woken him up like she'd done so many times in the past. She felt bad that it was always Jamie who had to deal with her pain. Deal with the fact that she was only doing the best she could and she couldn't give him the childhood that he probably needed. It wasn't fair but it was all that Serena could manage on the strength that she had. So many times a day she wondered if she'd been right in the first place, wondered what the outcome would have been had Lily just kept her mouth shut and let Serena go through with what she'd wanted to. At least Dan wouldn't have been half alive. Those were the thoughts that made her feel like trash. How could she even think about any of it when the little boy was laying in her arms.

"Mommy? Come on mommy… you need to get up. Uncle Natie is taking me out today!"

His words weren't registering, she was lost in his face, studying his features, just like she did morning after morning. They both should have been used to the silence, both used to her staring at him. By this rate, he'd want to admit his mother to a mental asylum by the time he was ten. Chuck used to tell her that all the time. Right after the accident he'd even worried that she was turning into a mental case. Well, he hadn't been far off in his thoughts, she even thought she'd lost it, it had to count for something. At least Jamie didn't seem to bothered by any of it so far, at least he hadn't filed to live with anyone else just yet, that was still something she waited for. Everyone else left, she expected him to do the same thing. Regardless if he was her son she still won't have been remotely surprised. Everyone left eventually. Even Dan had showed that one. Serena knew it was her own mind that told her he'd left out of his own free will, she couldn't help it, it made her feel better then knowing it was her fault that he was laying in a coma. Knowing that she'd been the one to put him there.

"Please say something mommy"

Jamie whispered as he rolled on top of Serena and put his hands on the sides of her face mushing and squeezing it, attempting to get his mother to pay a little bit more attention then she had been so far in the morning. When the young blonde mother refused to notice him still Jamie poked his little finger in between her eyes. He'd seen it on animal planet plenty of times. The vet nearly always poked their non responsive animals to get them out of their daze. For some reason it wasn't helping his mother like he'd been hoping it would. She was still just looking at him as if she'd seen a ghost.

" Mommy! I wanna talk to Aunt V! Uncle Natie's gonna call her. Please mommy!"

The nearly five year old became more and more wrestles as Serena refused to respond to his pleas or come out of her daze. There were so many mornings that were the same, so many mornings spent with Serena looking at walls buried so deep in past memories. They sat in the utter silence for five more minutes, only the sound of their breathing between them. then Serena came out of her silence, a single tear dripping down her face as she reached her arms out and pulled Jamie to her. She wasn't sure just how much longer she'd be able to go on with things the way they were.

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VivitheDSaddict- love your name lol, DS is pretty infuluncial aren't they? hope you like this chapter as well!

jeda09 - I'll be working on attepting to renew my DS support and write something new! promise

CJ- playing on empathy is my favorite emotion to target, it makes happy things that much more happy. The light at the end of the tunel for this one isn't all that far off

Erica- once again this is for and thanks to you

ronan03- well I promise there's a lot more where the first chapter and also this one came from :D


	3. The Words Most Hard to Hear

Manda's Note: I don't think i've ever been more relieved that it's summer time. With that crazy final I have to say I don't think I'm as upset as most people are, I think they left perfect opertunities to change a lot of things. Anyway that's enough of that. sorry this chapter took to long and I thiink now they'll come faster. Hope you enjoy it, leave me your thoughts and comments!

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"Mommy come build a snowy man with me!"

Jamie's shrieked as he came running closer to her, Puppy, and auntie Jenny trailing behind him. Puppy was the name of the small golden cockapoo trailing at his little feet. The dog was nearly two years old, two years of being Jamie's closest friend. The animal had been a gift from Aunt Vanessa and Uncle Nate that the then three year old's mother had nearly killed the pair for. Now, Serena was more then grateful to see the little boy and puppy scampering side by side, she'd missed them all day. After the other night she'd needed a break from it all, something she hadn't needed all that much since the beginning of their ordeal. She'd just needed a while to reflect. A haircut and a day spa, or a morning one cut short by the thoughts of her son at the park with Jenny. Overprotective mother was her new fortay.

After Jamie was born Serena had sufferer a great deal every time she looked at her newborn son. His face made her feel guilty and hate the situation more. Lily had hired a nanny so that Serena was able to go and clear her head every few hours. She just couldn't be around Jamie for more than a few hours at a time unless someone wanted to hear the baby scream and Serena's silent tears. Without him she didn't have it in her. Things hadn't been like that in years, so much had changed. Now, she hated being away from him for more than a few moments let alone hours. Regardless if she knew it was good for the both of them to have some space.

"Jame, are you driving Auntie Jenny crazy?"

She asked as she opened her arms wide and picked up the four and a half year old squeezing him to her chest. Something that the child was quite used to in the past years, bear hugs were something that Jamie could hardly get away from. Between his mother, grandmother, and the rest of his relatives Jamie was showed in tainted hugs.

"Hey S"

Jenny's quiet smile told Serena how upset she still was over the whole ordeal and Serena had known it and she didn't blame her. Dan was her protector and because of Serena he wasn't there to watch over her every move anymore. Thinking about it only made Serena feel guiltier, Dan meant so much to so many people and because of Serena and Jamie he wasn't around for anyone. Those were the facts that hung over her shoulders every day. With confidences fading that things were eventually going to be alright Serena was beginning to feel like for the rest of her life the impromptu goodbye would forever haunt every move that she made.

"Hi Jen, how's school going, the internship in Paris is going really well Rufus told me."

She did her best to make small talk and not let Jamie know about any of the hostility between the two. Jamie always loved it when Jenny was around. Jenny had seen little Dan in him from the beginning too. Regardless if herself and Jenny hadn't gotten along since the accident Jenny had always been there for her nephew. He was the one thing that mattered the most to everyone. The last remaining hope for the Humphrey name, the last part of Dan that seemed to remain other then photos and stories, that in its self was hard to think about.

Jamie's frozen red face looked back over to Jenny as he put his arms out to her and the transfer was made passing the little boy from one blonde to another. Serena took a step back and watched as his tiny arms wrapped around the younger blonde's slender neck. She'd been unexpectedly good with him from day one. Taking him on long walks, yet shading him from the angsty clicks of cell phones by gossip girl stalkers. Serena had no choice but to give her credit for that one. She'd hardly been able to do that in the days that passed early on. It had taken nearly the whole four and a half years for gossip girl to stop caring and clicking private shots. She was like Serena's own personal form of paparazzi.

Serena could see Jenny's jaw clenched in reaction to her question. She hadn't actually expected a neutral conversation when it came to the question regarding Paris. She'd run there as an escape from everything. From her brother's coma, from her sister like figure continuing to fall head over heels for the guy she too had fallen for. In alls end it seemed as though Jenny never got a break, and, it all made Serena feel like she should have tried harder to do something for her. To in some way help her to see that there were things that could have been done to move on slightly from the mess that had been made. They all needed to come to terms with the mistakes that surrounded their now messy lives. She'd learned to reliaze that it wasn't just her own life that had been effected by Dan'[s death. There were plenty that felt just the same way she did.

"Sorry"

She apologized quietly before noticing that Jenny had moved on to not paying attention. She had already tipped Jamie upside down so that his head was touching the snowy white ground and happy giggles were erupting from his Dan like mouth. It was a sound that Serena loved to hear, one that didn't happen too often when he was pretending to be the adult himself to take care of her. Poor Jamie had it rough and it was her fault. That was something that haunted her every move during the day. What was she doing to her son? Exactly what she'd been afraid to do to him in the very beginning of it all, she'd turned into everything she didn't want to be. Everything that she didn't want Jamie to know a moment of.

* * *

_"Mom, I can't do this. I don't want to do this anymore. Can I wake up from my dream? I've learned my lesson. I don't want to do this mommy. Please make it all end… please mom. I can't handle him. I don't want to do this. None of this is fair. I don't want to do it."_

_Serena cried as she sat against Jamie's white wooded crib as the toddler boy who was now a little over nine months old sat up in his crib rubbing his eyes and reaching for his mother's hair through the bars. His chubby cheeks were in a warm, happy, bouncy smile as he reached his round arms out to Serena who had no interest in reaching back for him. the tiny child's touch seemed as if it were making Serena's tears come faster. Though Lily should have been used to it, Serena had been good for a little while. This made things reverse and take one hundred steps backward. _

_"Serena what are you doing? Jamie wants you to pick him up, why are you just sitting there? He needs to be fed, he needs to be changed. Get up Serena. You're his mother and you need to start acting like it today. He clearly wants your attention. You asked me not to hire a nanny because you wanted to do this your way. Now Serena I don't see you doing this any way at all, how is that fair to him. I've heard him yelling at you for almost an hour."_

_Lily stepped of a pile of her grandson's clothes that Serena had pulled out and dumped right in the middle of the door way. She'd been good at making a mess of her own room she was way better at completely destroying her own son's room. The light blue and yellow room that was accented with different types of teddy bears hand painted on the walls and stuffed animals hanging from spots on the ceiling. It was exactly the way Serena had decided it should have been before he was released from the hospital. it was the room Serena had slept on the floor of every night after it was done and before her son had been released off of the machines. _

_"Serena come on, you have to get up and take care of him. You at least need to tell me what's wrong. Serena please stop acting like a child yourself. I told you I didn't want to play this silent game after he was born. Wasn't it bad enough before?"_

_Picking up some of the clothes she began to fold them and put them in draws as she turned around to look at her eighteen year old daughter who was sitting in still in inconsolable tears. Her eyes turned over to her chubby grandson who'd pulled himself to stand up by the bars of his crib. For a preemie who'd started out so delayed he'd caught up quite well to the rest of his age bracket. The doctors believed it was due to all of the positive attention around him. all the peopled who already cared for the little guy and loved him without the slightest bit of worry. People who loved him as if he were a little incarnation of Dan himself, in so many ways Jamie seemed to be just exactly that. _

_"Dada!"_

_Lily's head turned to catch her grandson's angelic little face lit up in a bright proud smile as he clapped his hands together and giggled his sweet little giggle. With every little syllable and every little giggle she could see her daughter's heart breaking more than it was already broken. Lily walked to the crib and picked up the happy bubbly little boy who kept on his constant muttering of dada. It had to have been all of the photos that Rufus showed to him. Rufus trying to keep the spirit of his son alive and not confined to a coma in a hospital bed. Rufus always tried to mask his pain but being the pro she was at seeing beyond Rufus's fake smiles she could tell that seeing and talking to the boy hurt him just as much as it did to Serena. What had taken place was a tragedy on all accounts and in everyone's eyes. There was just no getting around the pain that had occurred. _

_"Serena, go for a walk ok?" _

_Nodding her head simply she stood up regaining as much of her composure as she could have walked out the door. Without him it was easy for anyone to see that Serena was completely crumbling to pieces, if the stress of being a teenage mother wasn't enough doing it alone with a boyfriend who was bedridden in silence only added to the harsh reality of it all. Lily watched her eldest child walk out the door and she held Jamie up to her face as he proceeded to giggle and be the happy child he was. Just like Serena herself as a child. Lilly couldn't help but hope that Jamie didn't turn out to be like his parents, or like his grandparents. Love sick to the point of not caring till it destroyed you. At least there couldn't be anymore Van der Woodsen/Humphrey debacles. Jamie stood as an end to all of that. _

_"Looks like it's just you and Grammy Jamie. Maybe we'll take a walk and see Pop's."_

_Though Rufus would have been a little hurt of the word, knowing that his grandson recognized his father without even knowing him, he'd still be trilled to know that Jamie was trying. Trying to figure out the mess that he'd been born into, the mess that would continue on in his life until the day Dan Humphrey either opened his eyes or went completely brain-dead. For the sake of everyone she loved Lilly hoped it was him waking up that would bring everyone out of their depressions. Because, she wasn't sure her daughter could handle anything other then that without losing all control of the life she had left. _

* * *

"Dad said you took Jame to visit him the other day. That's good, I think hearing Jamie will be good for him. The doctors believe he can hear everything we say. They said his brain activity jumps up when people are there. I bet some of us help more than others though."

Serena knew she was trying her best to be bitchy and suddle at the same time. She knew all of Jenny's tactics by now, all things that Serena couldn't blame her for. For the past five years she'd listened to them. she'd listened to all of the guesses and the false accusations. It had actually surprised Serena that Jenny hadn't accused her of someone else being Jamie's father., she'd accused her of just about everything else in the book. Then again all you had to do was look into the little boy's eyes to know that he was defiantly Daniel Humphrey's blood. Whenever Jamie opened his mouth his words sounded almost just like Dan. Far to intelligent for his age. That was without hardly knowing Dan, she wondered what it would have been like with him there as a prime influence day in and day out. Some of the things that came out of Jamie's mouth were scary enough without Dan being added to it. she would have been at a complete loss for any brains.

"Jamie and I go visit him every week once or twice a week. With work and pre school it's difficult. But I know Dan would understand that. I'm doing the best I can. But, I think it's good for Jamie to see him. to know he's there even if he can't talk just yet. He just needs a little more time and he'll be back to new. At least, I still believe that. "

Letting her son go to his aunt she wanted to take him back and walk the other way. Maybe Blair had been right about Jenny all those years ago when they'd fought over Queen Bee at constance. No, she couldn't think that way, she'd caused Jenny enough pain she had every right to be bitter and cruel. Jenny had lost Dan just as much as Serena and Jamie had, sometimes it seemed as if it affected her even harder. Her brother had been the one person in life she'd had to turn to unconditionally and now he was just gone without any other warning. It was a hard and pressing issue to wrap her head around. Serena stood back and watched Jenny swing Jamie around and pretended like the bitter exchange she'd tried to start hadn't ever happened. If there was anything about Jenny that Serena ever noticed it was the fact that she was so good with him. at the little boy who every bit deserved some of Jenny's harsh words she loved him without cause or reason.

"You believe that Serena but I'm not sure many other people do, it's just been to long now. Dad's starting to think that we're better off letting him go then everyone hanging on in the same place we've been for the past years. What's the use in hoping for something that isn't ever going to happen? Dad won't admit it but listen the next time he talks to you. It's in his voice that he's sick of seeing his son suffer. You have Jamie, you should be able to understand that by now."

She didn't want to listen to Jenny's words and she didn't want Jamie to hear them either but she didn't have any other choices. In some ways the way things were at the same constant not changing movement it didn't seem like anything would change any time soon. Though it killed her to admit. But, she did believe that it would all end soon. That he'd open his eyes and look at her to tell her she was doing a good job. Tell her she hadn't failed at being a mother like she'd failed at being pregnant and taking care of him then. Like she'd failed at taking care of Dan enough to keep him awake and alive after the accident. Who was she kidding? With everyday that passed the same as the day before it hurt everyone around him more. That included Jenny, Jenny who never received the things she was after in the first place.

"You think you can handle him for a few more hours like you wanted to?"

She bit her lip and rocked back and forth in her Uggs. She needed to go somewhere for a while, somewhere for herself. Without Jamie attached to her hip like he was every other time she went. She needed to say things and words she couldn't say with him there. Her word restraint over the past few years had been great. She'd learned exactly what her mother had meant all the times she'd been in trouble and somewhere along the way she'd actually learned to respect Lilly and the decisions that Lilly made throughout the years. Who would have ever seen that coming.

"I wasn't willing to let my little buddy go yet anyway."

Serena glanced over at them seeing she and Jamie both now laying in the white snow making snow angels. She watched through clouded eyes as her son wrote the word 'daddy' to the right of his. Though he was young and couldn't spell even simple words he'd known how to spell daddy since the day he turned four. It had been the thing he'd wished for on his birthday candle at Butter. To learn how to be able to spell the word daddy. Aunt V had been the one to teach him of course. Over and over in one night it had actually stuck and he'd announced it over and over again out loud through the hospital on the way to Dan's hospital bed the day after. She'd never seen her son so proud of himself as he was that day.

* * *

CJ – I'm so sorry the ending of Remembering Sunday was so rushed. I wasn't planning on finishing it to be honest. I didn't have any inspiration when it came to DS and I have to be honest some of me still doesn't but I'll keep trying. Maybe they'll redeem Serena next season. In my writing I like to work a lot with empathy, make it easy to relate to and feel what even the worst people are going through. Thanks for reading :) and I hope you continue to.

VivitheDSaddict – though we're still a little off from happy endings, How could anyone be mad when there's someone like Jamie involved? I won't say anymore but, he gets even more adorable.

jeda09 – Jamie is just like Dan :D bet you're quite happy with the turns most of the final took, I have to say I quite agree. It'll be nice to see the two of them together again eventually.

PB4ever - sorry it took so long, they'll come faster now :)


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